Bonjour. mes beaux amis!
I’ve been ruminating over the idea of talking about this subject for quite some time now, but I recently came to an epiphany about the whole thing. You see, I’m in the latter half of my 30s, and now that I’m a certified adult, employed full-time with health benefits, and now (technically already) married, the big question is no longer years away, so distant that I don’t need to stare at its panic-slash-pressure-inducing face like I am now… Do we have kids or do we not?Life has an interesting way of forcing you to face some huge life-altering decisions and/or events. Unless it happens as a ‘whoopsie,’ you can put off thinking about the decision to have kids until you feel that supposed ‘clock’ ticking away inside. But the problem I have is that the only dumb clock I’ve felt ticking inside me is the one that tells me everyday that I’m quickly approaching the “hangry” state because I need to eat something. UNTIL NOW.My closest girlfriends, family members and co-workers all seem to be having children. It is of course the natural progression of life and has been forever, but I don’t really feel like my mom prepared me for these intense feelings of pressure and now panic that have ensued inside (no offense, Mom!). And being that this is such a deeply personal subject, I hesitated to broach it, let alone blog about it.
And yet, here I am. Recently I’ve deeply reflected about the joy I feel for so many of my beautiful friends who are having or have started having children, especially for those who truly madly wanted kids and may have struggled a bit at first. It brings me nothing but tearful happiness to see my friends so happy and excited for this next life chapter, and to see their beautiful children grow up so fast to be mini-versions of their crazy parents, my friends. At the same time, however, I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me for being so TERRIFIED of taking that step or not. It’s not that I think I’ll be a terrible mom, or that I won’t be able to handle it. But I feel a lot of joy and deep satisfaction with my life now – small but important things (to me) like traveling far and wide with my husband, sleeping in if we feel like it, being lazy on weekends, or being spontaneous and staying out too late one night on the town. And I know all parents of course say that the sacrifice of these small freedoms is so incomparably overshadowed by the joy of being a parent. And I TRULY BELIEVE that. And yet, I hesitate.
Entré the stupid internal clock and my own obsessiveness… The pressure is definitely internal – nobody is looking at me like something is wrong with me (about this issue specifically, probably though for so many others – ha!), and I feel so self-conscious about it. I feel like a basketball or football player who has been at every single practice session and trained hard with all of my awesome teammates, been to all the games and rooted and cheered for all of them and their all-star plays, but I myself have never been called from the bench to play. I anxiously and terrifyingly await during every game to see if I will be called up, and albeit with a blinding fear, I know if I were to be called up, I would get out there and give my all to make a play and be just as much the all-star as my teammates.Of course I’ve talked to the hubs about the subject, and he and I still look at each other with the crazy and goofy looks that made us fall in love with each other, telling ourselves that ‘maybe in the next year or so,’ or ‘perhaps’, or ‘who knows,’ or ‘if things were this way, or that way…’ all excuses, some valid and some not, for having kids and for not. In the end, maybe we will need our own ‘whoopsie’ to help us realize that being benchwarmers was selling ourselves short all along.
Until then, a little more time and a lot more reflection will answer our question – to baby or not to baby.
I hope you have a beautiful weekend avec votres families, mes beaux amis!!
♥ – LBH